Back To The Fam

My mother has outlived herself. She was doing just fine until one day over a year ago, at age 91, when she lost her balance and tumbled to the floor and into a wonderland of frustration, pain and dementia. She will never walk, cut up her own food or think straight again (but she still insists on doing her own makeup every day. That’s my mom!)

Though she’s in a first rate memory care facility, my brother and his wife visit almost daily and try to help her slog through the muddy mire that harbors her new reality. I am realizing more and more just how heroic they are.

As I take my turn at bat next week, I feel the weight of the game on my shoulders and wonder just how long the nine innings will last. It’s hard to stay positive when you know this is one game you are not going to win.

 I’ll be temporarily leaving my new house and my new Irish life behind. I’m so happy Dixie can come with me this time. The routine has been set for the last couple of years: Fly into Tampa, visit with friends and family for a few days then drive the grueling 500 miles to my brother’s house in Georgia, just a few miles from my mother. He and his family will, ironically, be in Florida for a family vacation. We’ll spend a day or two with them at the beach before the long drive.

I never know exactly what to expect when I walk into my mother’s room at the “home”. She is well tended physically, having saved her pennies most of her adult life anticipating the need for quality geriatric care, which doesn’t come cheap. She always said she didn't want to be a burden to us and she never has been. It's one of the best gifts she ever gave us... Thank you, Mama.

Her own mother, my Gram, was not so shrewd nor thoughtful. She spent ten years in a public nursing home that was the essence of the proverbial hell hole. My mother and aunt took turns visiting, trying to track down stolen goods and clean up the messes they found Gram in. It was a nightmare for my mother and I think that oppressive, urine scented room was the Bible she swore on when she declared that would never happen to her. That’s when she started saving.

Mostly she greets me with cheer when I arrive but doesn’t seem too excited to see me. It’s as if I go there every day. Some days she sleeps almost all day and other days she’s awake and lucid the whole afternoon.

The last visit, when Dixie wasn’t with me, I encountered the tooth fairy situation. Suddenly my mother started denying that her dentures fit in her mouth, and she was certain there was a nurse stealing teeth and replacing them with…. I guess we could call them changeling teeth, like when the fairies steal a human baby and leave a changeling in its place. She begged me to call the police.

After days of trying to reason with her (“yes, Mama, these ARE your teeth!”) and trying to cram them in her mouth (gently, okay?) and even having staff members assist to no avail, I finally admitted defeat and asked the head nurse for help. To my utter shock, she confirmed that the teeth we had in hand (eww) were indeed NOT my mother’s. What? 

Much to everyone’s relief, we found my mother’s teeth in a dish stuck way back under the bathroom sink. My mother was vindicated and I was just puzzled. There should be more TV mysteries set against the backdrop of nursing homes. The wonders never cease.

Vermeer Reunion in June

So for the next two weeks I’ll be catching up with my American life. My son is flying in to Florida from Dallas, we’ll all be at the beach together, then in Georgia I’ll see, not just my mother, but other family and friends. I missed a reunion with the Vermeers and my children last week, and the photos they all posted made me homesick. Can’t imagine how I’ll feel come October when I become a granny for the first time.

I know I can’t have it all, living in two places. I wish I could be there every time the family gathers. I wish I could be there through the coming years to teach my grands how to read and annoy their parents with Irish jigs and reels. I wish I could be there to escort my mother through these final, often dramatic days of her life. We have to make peace with our choices, especially it seems, in later life. And we also have to make peace with the struggle to make peace. It’s just the way it is.

For the record, I’m spending my money like mad, because I know my children will support me in style in my old age, teeth or no teeth. Right? LOL   

      

Say What?

My children are going to North Carolina next month for a reunion with Greg’s siblings and their families. The timing didn’t work out for me, but I would sure love to see them all. 

I have fond memories of visiting my in-laws in Iowa as a young woman. I had never really been out of the South before. I remember being intrigued by the differences, especially the dialect. They were intrigued by me too. Julie, Greg’s five year old sister, held a party for her friends featuring me and my funny talk as entertainment. I brought down the house saying “skewl” over and over. To Julie, that was comedy at its best. 

I was more interested in the different names of things. For instance, a casserole was called “hot dish”. It didn’t seem to matter what was in it, it was just hot dish, as in, “I’m taking hot dish to the church supper”.

Another one was “tavern”. Greg’s mom asked if I wanted tavern for lunch. Hmmm, I knew she didn’t drink so what was this about. I learned that tavern is the Iowa name for Sloppy Joe. Tavern was lovely for lunch. And it might have been served with “pop”, which I was disappointed to learn was just a “soft drink”. I had heard of soda pop from movies and tv and had always imagined it was some creamy, frothy indulgence. Just a coke, after all.

Now that I’m in Ireland I have really been inundated with new words and different uses of words. If you are a traveler, you are way ahead of me and know these. However, they have taken me by surprise. I know I’ve mentioned some of this before in my blog. But here goes again.

I already knew that a car trunk is a boot and gasoline is petrol. Also that diapers are called nappies. But what I didn’t know is that potato chips are called crisps and French fries are called chips (like English fish ’n chips). That took some getting used to. For a while I had MSPD, multiple spud personality disorder. I was always ordering the wrong thing.

Cookies are called biscuits and the Irish really never have regular buttermilk biscuits so there’s no name for them. They are replaced by scones, which are biscuits with sugar and sometimes fruit. So now I eat biscuits for dessert and scones for breakfast.

The other day I asked Dixie to bring some cream cheese from the store. He looked puzzled. I said, “You know, cream cheese”. We were back and forth a while before it finally dawned on him… “Philadelphia!” Yep, that’s it. The label just says “Philadelphia”. He's never heard of cream cheese. Like Vaseline, the brand has become the product.

Yes, these are good.

Irish bacon isn’t really bacon, but more like Canadian bacon, kind of hammy. After searching long and hard, I found bacon in Aldi labeled “American Style Bacon”, tastefully encased in Old Glory. Life without bacon was sounding dismal. But now that I’ve found it, I find I hardly eat it. Eating bacon alone is like drinking alone. Can be depressing.

It breaks my heart to tell you that there are no Irish words for grits, graham crackers, or corn meal. Can’t be found. No cornbread, No S’mores. Sad. I did, however, locate some soda crackers (saltines to some of you). They are marketed as Italian crackers here. And I've stocked up on grits and graham crackers from home.

Good prices too!

It took a while to figure out the stove/cooker conundrum. A stove in Ireland is not what you’d cook on. It refers to a wood stove in the fireplace that warms you. The "range" (they are not familiar with that word) is a "cooker". Makes sense. But I got funny looks when I mentioned cooking on gas vs. electric stoves. Huh?

Ovens are just ovens, thank goodness.

Both grocery carts and hospital gurneys are called trolleys. So fill your trolley with fruits and veggies or you might end up on one.

Over-the-counter meds were another mystery. Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is called paracetamol and packaged as Panadol. Ibuprofen is harder to find. The brands of all our beloved comfort meds are different, like Tums, Bean-o, Gas X (maybe TMI?). I have them mostly figured out though.

It’s all a part of exploring another culture. The names may be different, but we all love our fried potatoes, no matter what they’re called, and we all need relief when we eat too much. When in doubt, I just ask the chemist (pharmacist).  

House Beautiful

Since we made an offer on the house in October, I’ve been inhaling fixer-upper shows on the “telly” as if they were joints (are they still called that?) I actually think I got high a couple of times dreaming about all the open space and the decorating options. I was giddy for sure.

Now that we’re here, let the work begin! I knew there were a few things that needed tidying up and fixing, but like every house I’ve ever bought or rented, this one was full of surprises. Apparently, the lady who lived here was a chain smoker for years. I didn’t remember the smell, but it punched us in the face when we walked in the door.

Every room has to be cleaned and painted, including ceilings. And she took the light fixtures. Who takes light fixtures???

Fun yet?

I was struck by the unusual color of the kitchen cabinets. A kind of creamy light mustard, they made an attractive first impression. On closer examination we have come to realize that they were originally white. Cigarette smoke has stained them to this beautiful golden patina. I’m keeping them just as they are. At least they don’t stink.

There is very worn, dirty carpet throughout the upstairs. We pulled it back to reveal pine tongue and groove floor boards in pretty good condition. Unfortunately they were intended to be sub flooring so the tongues were not tucked into grooves very well. The look is rustic and primitive. I’ve been cleaning them with mineral spirits and doing a little repair work before they’re varnished. Anyone have wood glue?

The floor in the upstairs bath was covered with grimy linoleum. The pine boards underneath are REALLY primitive. But I’m refinishing them as best I can, and we plan to cover most of the floor with bath mats.

All the windows have to be resealed, the downstairs floors need to be replaced, a door (right in the middle of the only long living room wall) has to go (Of course it doesn’t HAVE to go, but I want it to go) and I WANT the fireplace opened up.

Dixie took out some horrible built-ins

Sometimes I just stop and think about what’s going on with me… moving into a new house in Ireland the same year I’ve applied for Medicare. Many of my post-menopausal girlfriends are still sailing smoothly on the same boat they boarded decades ago. Their masts are still strong, and they have a jolly crew of grandchildren who delight them to no end.

I have roses!

Others have chosen roads less traveled and maybe a bit bumpier. Some are getting advanced degrees, traveling the world, still deciding what to be when they grow up. Some are postponing retirement because their work is so important and fulfilling, and they just aren’t ready to let go. And some are feeling triumphant that they have finally realized after all these years that just “being” is enough. I’m so proud of us all. Look at us!

I’ll be a granny in October. I can’t wait! I’ll be traveling way more than I ever imagined, back and forth to keep two dreams alive and well. I know I can do it because my sailing ship, once drifting and taking on water, has been repaired and reconstructed, just like my pine floors. It’s been gleaming now for a couple of years and is voyage ready. All aboard!

A New Hobbit Hole

Did you hear? I bought a house! I’m so excited! Dixie and I have been living in a small, very old terraced (townhouse) rental for a year and a half. These structures are the most common type of housing in towns and villages, and many are made of stone and date back a couple hundred years or more. 

Does this mean I'll be cooking?

Even though it is two story and has three small bedrooms, it feels cramped and claustrophobic. I’m guessing 800 square feet or so in all.  I’m ashamed to complain because I’m told it was common for families with ten or twelve children to live in these homes over the years. I suppose some still do. 

House hunting in Ireland is a little different than in America. In our town there are four realtors (If there are more, they are hiding and I haven’t seen them). I was told they are not called realtors but auctioneers. That immediately made my stomach flutter… in a bad way. Did I need to go to an auction to bid on a house?

View from my new bedroom

No, but the houses are auctioned off nonetheless. The auctioneers represent the sellers and there is no one to represent the buyer. You shop for a house as you’d shop for a car… look online, visit the auctioneer’s office, browse through brochures, drive around.

When you see something that looks promising the auctioneer will show it to you. All the listings are exclusive to a particular auctioneer. You can make an offer and it may be accepted. But until the final closing, it’s still on the auction block and you may lose it at the last minute. But the buyer can also change her mind at the last minute with no penalty. There is a verbal “sale agreed”, but it isn’t binding.

Nice pine floors under the nasty carpet

Sometimes I feel like I’ve just come out of a coma with a little amnesia. The world is familiar and yet not familiar. I ask a lot of questions and no one seems to mind that I ask the same ones more than once. Like when you’re doing a jigsaw puzzle and you keep trying the same piece over and over thinking just maybe you can force it to fit this time. But it never does. 

After my offer was accepted I called on a structural engineer to inspect the house. There were rumors of a lawsuit a few years ago against the builder but no one seemed to know any details. The seller, an elderly woman, said it had been settled out of court but she had no documentation (and little memory) of anything.

The back yard complete with clothes line... Wut?

The engineer spotted some red flags and I almost backed out. But the auctioneer volunteered to make some calls and try to get it sorted. It took weeks… no, months, of investigating on par with Sherlock Holmes to find some answers. He finally located the carpenters who did some remedial work and they met with the engineer and everyone is satisfied that the house is now sound. 

So I bought it. There was no “closing” as such. I just wired the money to an escrow account then dropped by the lawyer’s office one day to sign the contract. Then a couple weeks later I picked up the key from the auctioneer.

It’s a cute house on the edge of town, with fields in the back with horses and cows but just a five minute walk from the town square. It needs interior painting, some new flooring and a few other cosmetic fixes. In the back there’s a waist high stone wall that is covered in briars and weeds. It was built about 200 years ago. I intend to release it from its weed bondage. 

The house has lots of room for when you come to visit. And best of all, it’s just around the corner from the Monk’s Pub. See you soon!  

In Search of the Fairies

If you chance to pick up a book of Irish fairy tales, you’ll likely find a story about Lusmore, who was, according to W.B Yeats’ version “a poor man who lived in the fertile glen of Aherlow, at the foot of the gloomy Galtee mountains” and who had a great hump on his back.

Knockgraffon Motte

Legend has it that one evening Lusmore came upon “the old moat of Knockgraffon, which stood on the right-hand side of his road”. Sitting under the moat (or “motte” which is a large man-made mound of earth) he presently heard a “wild strain of unearthly melody… like the sound of many voices, each mingling and blending with the others so strangely that they seemed to be one, though they were all singing different strains” (not unlike the unearthly ruckus at the Monk’s pub on a Wednesday, some would say).

Now Lusmore soon realized that the music was coming from within the moat, and it was indeed fairy music. The story goes on to describe how Lusmore enhanced the lyrics of the fairy song with his own impromptu offering, and the fairies were pleased and relieved him of his hump.

 A short, steep climb to the top

But the story doesn’t end there, of course, because you know fairies are generally unscrupulous and every good tale must disclose their darker side. Another young fellow (with an even larger hump) who got wind of Lusmore’s good fortune, tried to get his cut of cure from Knockgraffon. But not having Lusmore’s pure heart and kind intentions, he unwittingly insulted the fairies and thus wound up with two big humps for his trouble.

It’s a great tale, with a universal theme and appeal, and it’s from right here in Tipperary. So when I read it I wondered if Knockgraffon might be a real place and I might find it and encounter the fairies. I knew Dixie would look at me funny if I told him this, but I told him anyway. 

Well it was right there on Google, Knockgraffon Motte, not 20 minutes from our house. So off we went on another adventure. And it did not disappoint. Rising up from the road, among the rolling hills of the Golden Vale, was the motte in all its ethereal glory. We parked on the side of the road (the same road Lusmore had wandered down) and climbed the 60 feet or so to the top. It was spectacular… with panoramic views of shimmering farmland dotted with ancient church remnants and even the ruins of a Norman castle.

We took a few photos then relaxed in the sunshine and imagined the activity on this hill centuries ago. According to online sources (which I’m sure were the fairies themselves), the Motte of Knockgraffon was “an Anglo-Norman settlement in the 12th and 13th centuries and would have included a wooden structure on the summit. It is said that, in earlier times, this may have been the location of the coronation of the Kings of Munster…” That makes it an historic goldmine! Wow!

When my friend, Deirdre, came to visit this week, the Motte of Knockgraffon was at the top of the list of sites I wanted to share with her. Like me, she was instantly enchanted. The soft mossy grass was littered with tiny wildflowers and clouds cast misty shadows on the landscape below. Apparently the fairies were forgiving of our intrusion, as we felt every bit as favored as Lusmore.  

What's In A Name?

Much has been written over the years about the significance of names. I hated my name when I was growing up. I was the only Kim in town and I desperately wanted to be a Debbie. The only other Kim people had heard of was an actress named Kim Novak… unless, of course, they had been to Korea where I might have been a royal… (maybe murdered by now).

In my church in the ‘70s there was a 10 year old boy who had been recently adopted from Korea. He spoke little English but was told my name was Kim. He seemed to find that just as puzzling as the fact we didn’t eat kimchi every day. But he smiled at me a lot.

Apparently, here in Ireland, there is a relatively small pool of given names and surnames. I’ve noticed that there is a glut of Paddys, Michaels, Seans, and Seamuses (pronounced shame-us). As for the women, if I forget a name, it’s pretty safe to take a chance on Mary, Anne, Margaret or Bridgett (in my generation anyway).

And there are, of course ,variations on each name: Patrick, Pat, Paddy, Padraig, Paraic, Paudy and Michael, Mick, Mícheál (pronounced mee-haul), for instance. I’m getting comfortable with the Irish versions which seemed so foreign to me a couple of years ago.

For surnames, there seems to be a Ryan, Maher, Dwyer, or Butler lurking around every corner.  But it goes by region. I can only speak for Tipperary.

So if you want to talk about what a great goal Sean Ryan scored in the hurling match or how sad it is that Paddy Maher’s cow was lost in the bog, how do you specify WHICH Sean Ryan or Paddy Maher you’re talking about... because there will be several?

The answer is nicknames! They're as common as Guinness. I mean, who knew that a woman from the deep south would wind up with a mad Irishman named Dixie? (His mother named him Michael but that just didn’t stick).

Referring to families, there are the Ryan Buckets (as in… “Michael Ryan Bucket was in the pub last night”), Ryan Billabones, Ryan Agents, Ryan Fatteners, Ryan Dicks, Ryan Moons, Ryan Angels, Ryan Giants and many more. And that's just the Ryans around Thurles.

Some individual nicknames include Raz (Dixie’s brother), Puddy (rhymes with goody), Split the Sod, Drop o’ Blood, Shit in the Haggard, God in the Bottle, Willie Nod, Swags, Small Lemonade, Rubber Man, Dilly Dally, Fancy Johnny, Crock Dwyer, Mickey the Brute, Windy Britches, Sooty Carroll, Soup Keane, Nick the Scholar, John Joe the Grabber, Tom the Deal, Lead Eye, Sniper Bourke, Pony Bourke, Drippin' Arse, Paddy the Cruelty Man, Hookit, Tom Maher Pus, Paddy Maher Best, the Goat Maher, Danny the Web Maher, Timmy Ryan Good Boy, The Glamour Walsh, The Saint Walsh, Willie Shittyfoot, Ton of Soap, Hands Up, Miracle Man, Glassy Bags, Bluelugs, Sorry for Coming, Hole in the Wall, The Graveyard, Pinch o' Pepper and Slippery Tits.


There are the three Cummins brothers: Bun, Shift and Wax... as well as the three Bartleys who worked together:  Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

My source of local information

My primary source (but not the only one) for all this is an older gentleman named Tony Power who plays a very sweet button accordion every week in the pub. He is something of a legend in these parts, having played traditional music for decades and played with some of the best. According to Tony, these were not occasional nicknames but were the only names these folks were known by. He said in most cases, no one knows or remembers their given names. 

And yes, there are stories that go with each name. When you come visit me, we'll sit down with Tony and the lads and hear them over a few pints. But beware, you might not return home as yourself.